My Autism Discovery Poem

I always felt like an alien,

Who had landed on a strange world.

When I knew I had to talk to someone

My toes instantly curled.

Nothing made any sense to me,

Especially social rules.

Engaging in conversation,

I just didn't have the tools.

Spending school days with other people,

Really was a lot to ask.

I found ways to behave that kept me safe,

that's when I started to mask.

I didn't fall asleep for hours

When my parents put me to bed.

Far too many worries and thoughts

Buzzing round inside my head.

My body feels things differently,

Either too little or too much.

Sometimes I need deep pressure,

Other times I need light touch.

I have a large number of quirks,

That I thought made me 'bad'

Sometimes little things I did

Made those around me mad.

I hid more and more of who I was,

Such a monumental task.

But people only seemed to tolerate me

When I wore my mask.

But when I spent time on my own

I could be my authentic self.

I could stim and cry and enjoy some quiet,

Mask temporarily on the shelf.

I was still struggling to understand,

Why I behaved in certain ways.

Or why when something bothered me,

It bothered me for days.

Dry towels on wet fingertips,

Make my whole tongue itch.

I struggle to express my emotions,

Some say I'm a cold bitch.

When I peeled the skin off my sausages,

It made my family confused.

Being too scared to stand up for myself,

Ensured I was easily abused.

Subtitles are always turned on,

Whenever I watch the telly.

No matter how much food I eat,

There's a constant rumbling in my belly.

I can't go visit new places,

Without researching them to death.

I can't walk through a perfume shop,

Without holding my breath.

I'm not a freak or a weirdo.

I'm not a person that is 'wrong'.

I just didn't realise until last year,

I've been autistic all along.